I cried all the way home from dinner last night, not the loud ugly cry because I was to scared to feel in that moment, but I couldn’t stop the tears from falling down my cheeks, and no matter how hard I tried to numb I couldn’t escape that pain in my heart.
Sometimes life is challenging. There is no way around it. It's hard, it feels unfair, and frustrating, it can feel like no matter how hard you try you can’t make everything better, a bandaid just isn’t going to help heal the wound.
Even though I know running and numbing doesn’t stop the pain, doesn’t change the situation, it feels like it makes it bearable for now, so that's what I do. Sometimes I remember that the pain will still be there even if I ignore it now, so I allow myself to move toward it. Because that's the teachings of my yoga practice, to stay and breathe and feel. FEEL. To feel the rawness, the sadness, the grief and also to feel the immense joy and gratitude. This life is both light and dark, pain and joy, all within the same breath. They exist all at once and sometimes that's confusing, but it's also beautiful, one cannot exist without the other.
So even if right now you are currently only experiencing the darkness, know that the other is there to, it does exist and it is there sometimes we just can’t see it, or feel it, but we know, we know its there. That's faith. This is my definition of faith.
I have a small tattoo on my ribs it says FAITH. I got it when I was 19. My family experienced 2 tragic deaths within months of each other. It seemed as if there was only darkness, until I allowed myself to show up. To show up for my family, this was the first time I truly understood what it meant to hold space. To be there beside someone as they grieve, and they cry, as they laugh, as they FEEL. To be there in only love. To be there and not try to justify their feelings, or make them feel better, but to be there and allow them to have their experience in those moments.
This experience defined faith for me. This ability to continue to show up, to lean into our pain and have faith that there will once again be light, that there will once again be joy.